Voices on the Wind Comical Voices
Give Us This Day Our Daily Tool by Gary David Atop the steel roof of the Ace Hardware store in Erstwhile West, Arizona a simple white cross constructed of indestructible 4-inch PVC pipe lords over the empty parking lot. This down-to-earth icon is flood-lit all night—not just Xmas but year-round! Each backsliding heathen, each Kali-fornicating sinner: be forewarned! “Ye ain’t welcome ’round these parts, even to buy a plumbing snake or plunger.” O holy Ace, blessèd be thy monkey wrenches, thy flatheads, thy drill bits, thy hacksaw blades. Sanctify thy dead bolts and crowbars and turf spades. Blessèd be thy needle-nose pliers and vise grips, thy hex nuts and toggle bolts. Give us this day thy forged claw hammer, thy fine sand paper. Blessèd be the holy ark of thy red-metal tool box. Thy ball cock shall deliver us unto the hereafter long after our crapper is but a rusty throne. O steel wool Jesus, our helpful hardware man, thou art king of the carpenter’s rule, the miter box, the tenpenny nail. O true value Lord, bestow upon us thy saving graces, thy silver rolls of duct tape and sheer plastic sheets no Axis of Evil shall penetrate. Ever armed with staple guns and box cutters, we creationist Crusaders shall beat the Devil at his own game, shellac his scraggly Sharia beard with polyurethane, screw down his scrotum to a splintered 2-by-4—then run his skinny rump out of town for good! As Father always said, “The right tool for the job…” shall be our 11th Commandment immortalized in concrete on the sidewalk by the Ace born in a sheep shed, raised to pound spikes, then risen off the roof of our hardware to heaven.